It Could Be Your Eyes

How Do I Find Calm in the Chaos While Navigating My Child's Struggles? with Jennifer Wren Tolo

• Dr. Juanita Collier, MS, OD, FCOVD • Season 1 • Episode 32

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"We are more capable and we're enough when we are present in our life and connected to our soul, and what it is that we need. When we are, we can connect to our kids, we can teach them that and help them navigate".

Today we have an inspiring episode which is a must-listen for every mom feeling engulfed in the everyday chaos of parenting and self-doubt.
 
We host Jennifer Wren Tolo, who's a mom, a teacher, a nurse, a personal trainer, an author, and so much more. Our discussion takes a deep dive into the struggles and triumphs of motherhood. She shares her journey of overcoming life's tumultuous challenges and sheds light on the significance of self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to prioritize oneself amidst the multifaceted demands of motherhood.
 
Jennifer offers actionable and valuable advice on stress management, balancing the nervous system, and the power of mindfulness and presence. Striking a chord with the realities of parenthood, this episode is a blend of inspiration, practical strategies, and a message of empowerment for mothers everywhere, encouraging them to reclaim their peace and power in the beautiful chaos of mothering.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

(00:00 Intro) 
(00:34) A preview to our conversation with our guest Jennifer Wren Tolo 
(07:36) Jennifer’s second child’s birth teaches her a life-changing lesson 
(10:54) Dealing with high-risk leukemia and learning the power of understanding who you are and aren’t. Resetting your nervous system
(14:11) The “I can do everything” cape and the consequences of “running on fumes” 
(17:33) “Do it all, be it all”: the unhealthy societal pressure on women. Redefining success 
(24:01) No time for 911: when mom learns to prioritize herself 
(34:48) The super powers of voice and choice 
(37:58) ABCs to regain equilibrium. Giving yourself permission to pause 


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Dr. Juanita Collier: Welcome to the It Could Be Your Eyes podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Juanita Collier. Through my decades of work in the field of vision, I have met thousands of patients, parents, educators, therapists, and doctors searching for solutions to the seemingly unsolvable. Challenging traditional medicine's new normal?

We'll uncover that the root cause isn't necessarily what you thought it might be. It could be your eyes. 


Hi, and welcome back to It Could Be Your Eyes. I'm your host, Dr. Juanita Collier, and today I have two co hosts with me, Jessica Liedke and Kelsey Duffy.

Jessica Liedke: And today we're talking to a very special guest, Jennifer Rentolo. She has a background as a critical care nurse. She has education in personal training, nutrition, energy healing.
She's a mom, she's a teacher, she's an author, and she is talking to us today about finding calm in the chaos of being a mom and all that comes along with it. And so I found the conversation really interesting, really exciting and insightful because as a mom, you're trying so hard to get everything done and be everything to everyone.

And a lot of our moms that come to us that we see here in the office or are doing built to read with their children, they all are struggling with the same sorts of things. How do I be everything to everyone and be a self?

Kelsey Duffy: Yeah, and I think it was great to talk to her, too, because as, you know, a new mom of a seven month old, I'm already finding myself lost in the chaos.

So getting to talk to her and hear her tips and tricks and, you know, just taking time for ourselves as moms to breathe, as simple as that.

Dr. Juanita Collier: And I think that one of the many things that was really impactful about our talk with her is that it almost feels like we need the permission of our family to like, take a moment.

And it's like, we need to look like we're about to pass out for somebody to be like, Oh, okay, it's okay for you to sit down. I'll help. But in all honesty, that might not be the truth in reality. It's just the truth in our heads. So when she was kind of saying, like, okay, you go take the time and like people will figure it out.
That was a very nice to hear and like a nice little reminder.

Jessica Kiedke: It's something we even joked about in the office, like just as of today, talking about like our partners and our partners are fully functioning adult human beings. And when we're around, It's like all of a sudden we feel like they're helpless and we have to like reach in and save them but they're fully functioning adult human beings when we're not around and they get things done and they can do things and and it's like we don't have to be that.

Kelsey Duffy: They'll find that can opener.

Jessica Liedke: They will find that can opener and we don't have to be swooping in saving the day and and maybe it's Like those kinds of boundaries that we are then also teaching to our children, this learned helplessness instead of like, no, empower our children to do what they need to do because they see me taking the moment to take a breath, that that deep breathing that you were just talking about, Kelsey. That's like super important for regulating our nervous system and noticing that we have a dysregulated nervous system that needs regulating. That's such a an important life skill for our children.

Dr. Juanita Collier: Yes. And we prioritize that so much when it comes to our children.

And it's like when they're acting out of sorts, it's like, Oh, maybe they're tired. Maybe they're hungry. And, you know, Kelsey with a baby, it's like, yeah, but also me with. Lots of kids that are not babies. It's the same thing. So it's like, oh, you're acting like you've lost your entire mind because you need to go take a nap.

Or I know that it's only 7 30 and your bedtime's at eight, but today it seems like your bedtime needs to be 7 30. But for ourselves, we'll just kind of. still feel like we still need to do everything. And then if it's like becomes like a lashing out or an agitation and all of that, and it's like, well, maybe I did mean to like go lay down for a little bit.

And maybe that would have been better for the situation itself. And she also refers to the superwoman complex. And I feel like, you know, we grew up wanting to be this superwoman and we can do all the things and we can bring home the bacon fried up in the pan and then do the dishes after. And like, Her reminding us that we have that permission to take the K PoS was really, really great, too.

So I just feel like with our population and the moms that listen to us, you know, we're doing everything that we can to make sure that our children have the best experience in life. And it's almost so Turns into a by any means necessary type situation, especially when it comes to sacrificing our own needs and desires.

And her kind of repressing us to know by any means necessary is only going to result in catastrophe for everyone involved. Like you need to actually prioritize yourself was really. Great. And then also, it all sounds well and sweet and to go upstairs and take a bath for an hour. That's amazing. And maybe I'll do that when my kids are 15 and they don't want to be around me anyway.

But right now,  what can I do in the three minutes that they forgot that they decided they need something? So I think that it was helpful that she breaks it down into, uh, bite sized chunks that you can then build up to. And I think that that's really helpful for a lot of our moms listening because a lot of us have numerous children at home and a lot of things going on and offices and jobs and everything else that we're doing and wanting to be in the PTA and needing to take this person to soccer while this person's at dance and all of the things.

Maybe the hour long bath isn't something we can do right now, but I can tell everybody they need to stop for a second and take a five second breath so we can all breathe together and re presence ourselves so that nobody gets hurt. 

Jessica Liedke: That's exactly it. She talks about like, you're so in the mode of doing that.
If you think of your energy as like a gas tank and you're like the car and your car is going places and you got places to go and you got people to see and you got places blah blah blah blah blah and then you don't even notice that the check engine light is on and then like before you know it there could be a big ol issue or We could, like, really tune in and say, Nope, nope, nope.

Everybody, stop. Breathe.  Okay. Before everybody hurts themselves. And she, she even said, like, she put off calling 9 1 1 because she didn't have time for that. I hear that. Like, you know, and then, I think for some of our, our parents, when we're like, Oh, no, you should do Built to Read for your children because you can make this change.

But they're like, I gotta go get Jimmy. I gotta go here. I gotta go there. And then, no wait, stop, five seconds, we can do this. 15 minutes a day, you got that, it's alright. And then, also, after that 15 minutes, then you go, and you take a breath, and you take a seat too. Cause that's important, as well.

Dr. Juanita Collier: Exactly. So without further ado, let's listen and then take a five second breath together. 
I hope you enjoy.  

Welcome, Jennifer. Tell us a little bit about what brings you in, like what's going on and what you do and how you can help our moms. Yeah. Well, I can relate wholeheartedly to your moms. I feel like, I don't know if you've ever heard of Brene Brown that says if you've never been in the arena, get in your ass next time. 

Well, I have been in the arena, I've been in multiple arenas and I am on the other side. I have like successfully conquered the arena and now I'm on the other side. So little background. I was a critical care nurse and I, Thought that I had all the answers, right? I had a tight grip of control. I thought you have to do this, this, and this, and then everything's gonna be great.

If I do this, this, then I'll be healthy. If I parent this way and have this kind of control over my world, then my kids are gonna be healthy. Well, everything got turned up on its head. When my second son was born, scheduled C section, he had a massive neonatal stroke at birth. So I remember waking up in the hospital, all the babies crying and thinking like, where's my baby?

I'm supposed to have my baby. Like, this is not how it's supposed to be. Now, how many of your listeners, how many of you moms out there think, wait, this isn't what I signed up for. This is not how it's supposed to be. And we get stuck in that. Yes. Mm hmm. I chose to see it a little differently and to open to the opportunity, okay, what is the message in this?

What am I supposed to be learning from this? What do I need in this moment? Because I remember waking up and just being overwhelmed where I couldn't wrap my head around what was going on. And I remember my really good friend saying, honey, just breathe. You just need to breathe and the clarity will come.

So that was when you breathe, you reset your nervous system. So I learned that then. And I wasn't great about taking help from others. I thought I had everything under control and I had the false belief that accepting help from others made me weak or made me incapable. And this situation, this experience.

taught me that I needed to open to the help of others because that enabled me to be able to do what I was meant to do, what I was supposed to do and what I and only I could do, which was be there for my son and help my son navigate and advocate for my son. So needless to say, this also awakened me to the gaps in healthcare where as a critical care nurse, you know, I thought, here's what we need to do.

This is how we treat people. And it showed me. the whole person approach and how medicine doesn't always have the answers or it's not an easy answer. Sometimes we as parents, as sovereign beings need to take control of our own health, happiness, and well being. So we need to be willing to do the work. So my son had early intervention.

I became a personal trainer because I, he didn't move his right side. I wanted to help him move. I got my first nutrition certification. And then fast forward a couple of years, Oh, I also became a Reiki, I started getting trained in Reiki because I knew my son needed the energy work. That's where I opened to kind of my own gifts,  finally open to that, where it was a side of myself that I was putting off to the side a little bit because, you know, I had to be logical, but I used that connection to my intuition because that's what my son needed.

And as a mom. How many of you can relate? There's nothing we won't do for our children, right? Like we'll open to whatever, maybe we wouldn't have opened to it for ourselves, but now we're opening to it for our children. So fast forward a couple of years. The same day I found out I was having my fourth son, I found out my third son had high risk leukemia.

So that knocked me back again, overwhelmed here as a nurse. You would have thought that I would have seen the signs and all that, but my mother's mind, my mother's brain never went there, wouldn't allow me to go there. So when I got the diagnosis, I was like, reeling from the diagnosis. Cause again, I knew the nutrition piece.

I exercised, I kept things clean, all the shoulds, right? That we think, well, if I only do these things, everything's going to be okay. Well, sometimes. That's not it. That's not the case. Sometimes life, the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, creates a pivot for us. So I realized I have everything I need to help my son right now.

I know about nutrition. I know about Reiki. So every day when he was getting his treatment, I was doing Reiki on him. He never had the bad side effects. He never had this, the mouth sores, the nausea, the vomiting. I knew about mindfulness and I was able to really, this is where I really learned the power of presence because when you let yourself go too far down the line and you let that catastrophic thinking take you down the what if, you know, train, the runaway train of what ifs, that's when things can kind of start to feel very out of control. 

So, both of my sons are, are well. You know, we still have our challenges, but they are healthy and well, 21 and 18 right now. So, and I really learned through all of that, the power of understanding yourself, understanding who you are, who you're not, understanding what can you control and what can you not control?

Because many of us, when things get out of control, we try to control things that are not within our control. All of this took me on this journey to really shifting my focus from kind of the physical and nutritional well being of people as a critical care nurse and a holistic nurse. To now really helping  other superwomen like me who are strong, independent, success driven, heart centered, really wanting to do what's good for our kids and do, be the best that we can be, make the right decisions.

What stops us often is our own spin or that stress spin. So I help the, help women learn how to reset their nervous system. So give themselves permission to pause. Reset their nervous system and learn to start to reclaim their time, their energy, and their power over their own life. One moment, one thought, one choice at a time.

And I teach a course called holistic and complimentary approaches to health and healing at a college in the school of nursing, because I really want people to awaken and understand how stress. is at the heart of so many of our health and happiness issues, our mental health and our physical health issues.

Stress is at the heart of that. But here's the really cool thing. We can take back control over our bodies and our mind's response, and we can learn to be more resilient and find that inner strength. So that's what I do now. I think it's so amazing, like really kind of championing superwoman. And I feel like So many of us wear it like this, like I can do anything and I, I will do anything for my kids.

I'll go, go, go, go, go. But can you tell us a little bit about taking that cape off and that being okay? Because I feel like sometimes when you think that you can do everything, you also have that have to do everything and that goes along  with it. 100%. Yeah, I mean, how many of us wear that mask that goes along with the cape of I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine.

Yeah. Because we don't give ourselves permission to not be okay because we run away from uncomfortable thoughts, uncomfortable feelings. We have shame. Um, when we give ourselves permission to put in like literally cry uncle, I talk about life being like a rollercoaster ride. And there are times where we're on that rollercoaster ride and we're throwing our arms up going,  and we're just riding it because we feel good.

Right. We're We have the energy. We have the mindset. We have the support to know that we're going to get through this. Then there are those moments that we're down. We're already down and we're like, Oh my God, I got to get off. I'm going to throw up. I can't do this anymore. We all have those moments. Yes.

But what we do is we try to run away from those moments or we start to beat ourselves up in our minds for feeling the way that we do or not being capable. But what we don't realize is, we cannot show up 100 percent of the time for all the demands of our life. We have to learn to prioritize the things that are really important to us.

We have to learn to reset our nervous system and to refuel, and that self-care piece is our reset is our fuel. When, when we have to recognize what our energy level is, because sometimes we have it. to give to others. But there are times that we're running on fumes. I love to use the analogy of, like, driving in a car.

How many of us have driven in a car? Think of the car as the body, the engine as the mind, and the check engine light or the signals is our soul. How many times does the check engine light go on because we are driving our car, running on fumes? We see the check engine light on, but we either ignore it because we don't have time to notice it and to do something about it, or we don't even notice it because we're so focused on the, the where we're going, the destination that we're not present to really understand and check in with, okay, I got to pull over.

I got to pause or stop for a second so I can like address what's going on and make sure that everything's okay. So I'm capable of. Going and showing up and getting to where I need to be. Does that make sense? Yes, definitely. And I think that that's one hand of it, being able to like stop yourself and be like, you know what?

I need a moment. I need to recharge. I need to refuel. And I also feel like the people around you are another chapter in that where they're like, Oh no, mommy can, should, will, and has to do it all. So like, for example, in my house, we have four kids. And Rob is really good at prioritizing rest. And I used to say that facetiously,  and I think it's because I was jealous.

It's true. I was like, you know what? Wow, he really is really good at prioritizing rest. Why can't I? And I used to get so angry, like, Oh, must be nice.  And then I'm like, Oh, wait, I need to do that too. How do you coach women through that? I love that you say that because let's face it, societally, I was just having this conversation with a girlfriend of mine about how  it's really hard for a lot of women because the pressure on women to do it all, be it all and be successful at every aspect of our life is real.

And we as women buy into that and we feel like it's an expectation of us to give 100 percent and to show up. Let's face it. I was just saying this. My husband was saying to me that there, my husband's a physician, there is a female physician in his practice. She's very good at what she does. And my husband is on all these different committees and doing all these initiatives because he has the luxury of me at home.

He has the luxury of knowing that I'm holding down the home front. Well, his partner doesn't, I mean, her husband's also a physician. Both of them are working, both of them are career oriented, but she also has three children that she wants to be present for and be involved in. So you have to have boundaries and her boundary is I am going to do my job, I'm going to do it well, but I am not going to take on anything else that's going to pull me away from being present or like offset this balance scale.

And that's what we women need to learn. And give ourselves permission to do is to have healthy boundaries to say no to things that don't serve us to say no to things instead of feeling guilty, or do we love to wear that guilt? We feel like because we feel like we have to do everything, be everything, show up for everything.

And if we don't, then we're less than. Right. Or if we don't, then we feel guilty. Like we're letting somebody down. There's a lot of us are either people pleasures or we're perfectionists, right? And neither of those things serve us  because It actually causes us to say yes and to do things and to give our power away to other people.

The only way we can take back our power is if we understand who we are and what we need in the moment and what our priorities are. And so Maya Angelou said, looking at the definition of success, we need to redefine what success is, right? Because Maya Angelou said, success is loving what you do. Doing what you do well and loving your life.

How many of us women are showing up, but we're disconnected from our life. So many of my clients say, when I say, well, what brings you joy? They don't even know what brings them joy because they have just been stuck in this doing mode and we are human beings. We are not human doings. Trust me, I get it, hello, type A woman, I had the tightest grip of control, but what we have to realize is, the tighter our grip of control, and the more future or outcome focused we are,  and the more we try to please others at the expense of ourselves, the more we try to get things perfect,  the more we are giving away our power and creating more chaos in our life.

We don't realize that. Pause, give yourself permission to just pause, like pump the brakes and just stop for a second. Get centered and go, what am I doing? What's going on? So pause, reset the nervous system because it's that nervous system that's in that survival mode, that fight or flight,  brings us away from our greatest choices, our greatest power, which is our mind and our, our soul connection, right?

Where we can really be aligned and do things that serve us as a human being. And when we give ourselves permission to pause and reset that nervous system, then we can connect to what is it that I need right now? What is it that I want right now? What are the thoughts in my mind that are pulling me away from that, that are not true?

Because our ego tries to keep us safe and tells us stories, tells us stories based on, you know, the past or emotions. And it lies to us. We don't realize that it lies to us. So sometimes when we get into that fight or flight, we are looking for safety and security, right? And our ego, the whole role of our ego is to keep us safe and secure.

But when we pause, we reset the nervous system, we can start to connect to what is it that I truly need in this moment? What is it that I can control in this moment? And I guarantee it's not what we think. We can only control ourself, our thoughts, our actions, our reactions, and our choices in the present moment.

So when we do that, that's when we can start to be like, okay, do I want to do this or do I want to say no to this? You know, so we can kind of stop and get off that hamster wheel because no one's keeping us there except ourself. I hate to tell you, we're the ones that are keeping us there because we are trying to prove that we're enough.

We're trying to prove that we can, we are capable. So we think that if we, if we say no, or if we create a boundary, it means that either we're not enough. Or we're not capable, but that's not true. We are more capable and we are enough when we are present in our life and connected to our soul and what it is that we need.

And when we are, then we can connect to our kids and we can teach our kids that. And we can help our kids navigate. Can you imagine if we taught our young girls Now, these things, and we, instead of perpetuating this myth of the superwoman and how we have to, there's a cost. There is a price to trying to do it all and being a strong, independent woman.

The myth that we are all trying to live up to this pedestal of what a, what a woman, a successful woman is. We need to redefine that. To me, a successful woman has balance in her life. To me, a successful woman is able to be present, to have boundaries, but it took me a while to get there.  If you could make a positive change in your child's reading ability and confidence with reading in just 20 minutes a day, you would jump at the opportunity, right?

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Visit four D built to read.com or check out the show notes for a link to learn more.  I can hear a lot of our moms, like, you know, our, the moms in our office saying. Yes, and I will take the time for myself when my kids are a little bit older,  of course. And right now my priority is to be the best mom that I can be and have a happy home and make sure that Johnny's at soccer while, you know, Jane is at art and all of those things.

So I will take care of myself.  So can you speak a little bit about what the household transformation looks like once a mom starts prioritizing herself?  Absolutely. So, you know that old adage about put your oxygen mask on first. Exactly. Yep. In the plane. Yeah. You know, I remember I was sitting in my house.

I had two kids at school and I had two kids with me. Somebody asked, could you pick up my son? Cause I'm bit, I'm okay. You know, cause I'm saying yes to everybody else. Sure. I'll pick up your son. I wasn't feeling great. And I remember reading to my kids and all of a sudden my speech dropped. My tongue went numb.

My arm went numb. So my husband calls, he was at, 200 miles away, he was doing pro bono work at a Shriner's Hospital. So he called me just to check in and I couldn't come up with words. And he's like, Jen, you have to call 9 1 1. You know, my response was, I don't have time to call 9 1 1. Who's going to pick up the kids?

I'm picking up so and so and so and so for Kathleen and who's going to watch the kids and all this stuff. So he wound up calling a neighbor and said, I need you to come over and help Jen. So she stayed with the kids. I drove myself to the hospital. Not smart, because I didn't want to burden anybody. Get to the hospital.

My husband thought I was having a stroke. Turns out I had an atypical migraine. But this was my wake up call. Girl, if you don't take care of yourself, now, you will not be here to take care of your kids. And how many of us, I mean, think about it, you can only run a car on fumes or with the check engine light for so long before it totally burns out.

And when you burn out, what happens? What does burnout look like? We all get it as moms. When you are showing up for everybody else and stress, stress impacts your health, stress impacts your sleep. So how many of you guys have these symptoms?  Not sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night, stomach issues.

Headaches, anxiety, depression, lack of motivation, lack of focus, where you take on a lot of things and you start dropping balls, you have to repeat because you make, make mistakes. This is all signs of stress. And when we are stressed, we can't really show up. We can't really be effective for our families.

We can't really make the best choices. for our families. And when you have a child that has health issues and you're navigating and you are making choices, I mean, I had to advocate for my kids for school because I had kids with cognitive issues. The one that had the stroke had cognitive issues. When you are in that fight or flight, you're reactive.

You're not making good decisions. You are making reactive decisions. You are more emotional. You are less focused and able to complete tasks  because you're distracted all the time. So the only way that you can truly be the best you that you can be is by prioritizing your self care because when you do that, you are able to be your best self and help your kids become their best selves because you're going to be advocating for them and you're going to be making the most empowered decisions.

But you can't do that from a place of fight or flight. You can only do that right now. And I've heard it a million times, Dr. Renita. I have heard so many people that say, well, if I just get this, then I'll do that. The time is now, guys, because tomorrow is not a certainty. It is not a promise.  So you only, your greatest power is in the right here and right now.

That is where you can make the most effective choices for you and your health and well being. And when you do, it ripples to your children. And I think that obviously this is, it could be your eyes. And I think you said something. That really kind of resonated with me and that your children are watching what you do.

One hundred percent. My daughter is eight years old now, but a couple years ago, I was working with a coach and they were asking what I do for myself. And I'm like, you know, at that point in time, I'm like, I'm a single mom with two kids. Like, what I do for myself is I take care of my kids and then I go to work and then I come home and take care of my kids.

And that's what I do for myself because my job is to take care of them. That's my entire existence. That's And he was like, well, let's have you buy me a pair of shoes. And I'm like, you, you mean for my kids? They're, they're always getting new shoes. He's like, no, for you. And then I had to think about it.

And then I, I was, I even asked Kelsey. I'm like, I feel like it's been like six years or something like that since I got new shoes. And she's like, yeah, those look pretty bad. I don't know what's going on with that. And so he's like, okay, your homework is you need to go buy some new shoes. So I'm like, well, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

But fine, I'll do whatever you say, because I'm paying you a lot of money. So  I don't get myself a new pair of shoes. And my daughter noticed them as soon as I put them on and she's like, maybe you should get a new makeup bag too because I was looking at that and I think that you deserve it, mommy. Like, oh my god, what am I doing?

And I'm like, they really are watching everything that you're doing. And it's like, she's like, you deserve it. And I'm like, for her to even like, associate, like, deserve with that when she was like five years old or six years old. I'm like, wow. And so that really kind of turned how I was doing everything.

I'm like, he's watching every single thing that I do and I'm teaching her something with every action that I take. Yeah. I think that's really important for moms to see too. Like you were saying, you know, our daughters are watching us and our sons too. And you know, it's kind of like, what are we teaching them and what are they learning from this behavior of like, Go, go, go, go, go, until you like pass out on the couch.

That's not the life that I want for her, so that shouldn't be the life that I'm demonstrating for her either. And if you don't have boundaries, they don't know what boundaries are. Yeah. I love that you say that. I mean, it's funny. I recently,  um, had surgery. And I told my boys, it was an elective surgery, and I said, I need everybody to help me.

And it's really hard, like I said, to ask for help. Still is. I've gotten better at it. But it's also really hard for me to let go completely of control and be vulnerable. And here's the thing. We just have to be aware of it. Awareness is the first step towards change. When we're aware of something, Then we can go, Oh, that  my kids had said to me, mom, why don't you let us do that?

And I said, well, because you know, I don't want to bother you, mom, you have done so much for us. Let us help you. And shortly after that, I had a conversation with another, with a client of mine who was talking about how her son wanted to take her out to dinner just to thank her. It was like the holidays.

And, and she said, Oh honey, don't spend your money. No, you save that money. And I said, He's trying to show you that he values you and appreciates you. Why won't you let him? And she couldn't, I said, because we don't feel like we're worthy, right? We don't feel like we're worthy. My kids are worthy, but I'm not worthy.

So the first step is really to understand that, Oh, Oh, that's that. Oh, I don't feel like I'm worthy. Like I haven't earned it. And what's going to earn it. And we have to flip that script and say, wait a minute, do my kids have to earn it? Like, is that the message that I want to send to them? That you have to write and think about that.

Why do you think there's such a mental health crisis in this world right now?  Because the expectations that we place on ourself and, and then inadvertently on others is so high that either people go, forget it, I'm not even going to try, or they're burning themselves out trying to meet those expectations.

So we, as adults, need to pump the brakes, be aware of this.  unattainable expectation, unrealistic expectation that we set for ourselves, and reframe it and reset it. And it doesn't have to be buying yourself something, it could be something as simple as, I'm going to take a shower. For me, I started to say, because I realized I needed, the only time nobody bothered me was when I was in the bathroom and I shut the door.

My family knew, the mom's got the door shut, Just give her this the moment and I would literally go into the bathroom to read a book I would go into the bathroom in my  bathtub with the bubbles going when I needed to like reset, I would have a bubble bath with either a glass of wine or a tea cup of tea and my book and have a moment and I'd give myself 10, 15, sometimes 30 minutes, sometimes even an hour, whatever I needed and my family knew That's mom time, right?

And it took me a while to get there. I used to feel guilty.  I realized that when I did that, I was more able to be present for them afterwards. Because I reset my energy by doing that. It's like I refilled my cup, my well. That I was letting everybody drink from when the well runs dry, nobody benefits.  So giving yourself permission to pause and to, okay, what do I need right now?

I'm in overwhelm. So I need a moment to just gather myself, right? I need to say, listen, when you have little kids sometimes I've told people just. Go, even if it's in the bathroom or go in the corner and just take some deep breaths. Just two minutes of deep breathing and focusing on your breathing. That's all you need to reset your nervous system.

And even that, I like to say, put one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly and just take a couple of deep breaths. Guess what? You start doing that. You're teaching your kids to do that. A lot of kids have trouble self regulating. That's what it's all about. Self regulation. But you can only regulate when you are aware that you're dysregulated,  right?

And those signs, that stress, that overwhelm, is your body's messages. We have to pause so we can tune into What is my body, my mind, my soul trying to tell me in this moment? And the only way you can hear it is if you give yourself permission to stop and pay attention. Right here, right now. And so many of our kids have  self regulation difficulties and a lot of our kiddos have difficulty with advocating for themselves.

And so, you know, one of the first things that we teach them in vision therapy is something's going on with your vision. You're the only one who knows.  And so if you don't tell your, your mom and dad that you're seeing double when you read, they have no idea that that's happening. If you're not telling them that the words are swimming around the page when you're reading or that your eyes hurt or anything, then they have no idea.

So if anything's going on with your body that doesn't feel right to you, you should tell mommy and daddy. So that's interesting that as mommy and daddy, we don't necessarily take that same advice. We repress everything, right? We repress everything. We don't want anybody to think there's anything wrong.

I'm fine. It's fine. Everything's fine. But then we get angry and resentful when people demand stuff on us, but nobody can read our minds. So our greatest superpower as superwomen. It's our voice and our choice.  We have to teach our children that. We have to empower them with that. But, you know, as soon as they speak up or they say something and then it gets dismissed by an adult, then we're teaching them to be safe and secure by not speaking up.

So we have to be very careful too about, are we listening to kids? Are we, and we can only be there and listen to kids when we're present, when we're stressed, we get reactive, we snap, we dismiss, we're not present, right? So in order for their kids to speak up and advocate for themselves, they need to know that somebody's listening.

They need to have that validated and affirmed. And sometimes as women, we don't speak up because we've been suppressed or, you know, dismissed. It's not just. But we need to find our strength and we need to maybe let our voice be a little bit louder. We need to maybe roar instead of whisper sometimes.  I feel like I just got a free coaching session here, well I appreciate that. 

I do have a book that's all about this kind of stuff, it's an ebook, it's called The Power of You, that I talk about how do you gracefully stay no. How do you set boundaries without feeling like the B word? Because let's face it, a lot of women, when they set boundaries or when they roar, we get judged, but if a man did it,  they're strong, they're powerful.

They're right. So that's what stops us. Cause we don't, we don't want to be called names.  Because we're not celebrated when we do that. But we have to celebrate each other as women. We have to. We have to support each other as women. We don't do a good job of that, and we need to. Because we have to have each other's backs, because nobody else understands, especially in this crazy world we're living in right now, nobody else understands truly what it means.

To be you, but other people that are other super moms, right? Super women. And it's the same thing. I mean, why do we have support groups for parents that are going through? I mean, I remember it can be a lonely place when you don't have the quote unquote, typical kid, right? When you have challenges or whatever, here's the thing, challenges create resiliency  and growth.

Being uncomfortable is the place of the greatest transformation. You know, you don't know what you can handle until you're faced with it. Women are strong. We are so strong. So we have to remember that. And we have to just come together. And when we're not feeling strong, it's okay. We have to give ourselves grace to be like, Whoa,  life's really hard right now, but I'm going to get through this.

Right. We have to just, I'm going to take it one moment at a time, right? You don't go to a buffet and eat everything all at once. Right? You have like one thing. Let it sit. If you want more, go back for more, right? We have to give ourselves grace and when we give ourselves grace, we can give our kids more grace.

Like you said, with your bubble bath that you built up to, you know, a half an hour an hour,  what like three tips do you have for a mom who in the moment, you know, you're making dinner and your husband needs. Whatever. If he's doing his, can you find my, have you seen my game? And, you know, you're also trying to read with your kid and the baby's crying and all these things.

What can they do in that moment to bring it down a notch and not react? Because in that moment, I am full reaction mode. And so what advice do you have for that mom who hasn't built up the, the understanding with her? Family that mommy needs to be able to to go away for a little bit and you'll be fine and when the bathroom door is closed, you don't get to just open it and like all of those things like what advice like three things that a mom can implement right now that they can start doing to build up to that point.

You got it. I actually call it my signature ABCs. So the first step is being aware. Be aware of those moments where you're in overwhelm. It's like the tea kettle. The tea kettle's boiling and it's about to, to spill over, right? Be aware of that. And when you are aware, give yourself permission to pause. And that's where you say, okay, everybody, give mommy one minute.

Give me one minute. Ready? You can even count or you can have them do it. All right, wait, everybody. I need a breathing break, a breath break. One hand on your chest, one hand on your belly, breathe, take six slow deep breaths,  reset your nervous system. So A is the awareness, B is the balance, balance your nervous system with your breath.

Take some deep breaths  and literally tune everything else out and tell everybody, time out, breath break, breathing break, or balance break, I need a balance break, and then take a couple deep breaths. Calm yourself down and then the C is connect to what is it that I need in this moment? What do I have control of in this moment?

What are my choices in this moment? And then that's where you can it's kind of like my critical care nursing days That's where you have to prioritize. Okay, I'm one person and when you say this, I'm one person so everybody timeout And then you go, okay,  can't help you with that right now. You're going to have to find it yourself.

Right? Give me a second.  Or okay. Prioritize. It's like triage as a nurse who needs me right now. And if it's something that is not yours,  like your husband trying to, honey, where's the, that's where you have to put the balance. Because here's the thing we as superwomen, we say yes to all that stuff. We don't realize we are inviting it because the more we do, okay.

The more people rely on us to do. My tip is be aware of those moments and give yourself permission to pause and take a little balance break. A B C connect to what it is. Do I, what it is that I need in this moment and realize  all the fires, they're not really fires. Right? Everything that we think we need to show up for, when we can calm ourselves down, we can then go, okay, connect to who truly needs my attention right now.

Can it wait? Do I have it in me to do that right now? And go from there. Oh my goodness, this was so good. I feel like I could just talk to you all day. No, I do do coaching, Dr. Juanita. I know, right? I actually am enrolling in a program called Find Calm in the Chaos. I have a group coaching program. This is what I'm doing, is helping people adjust with this.

What are the hidden stressors in your life? That's the awareness piece. So many of us don't even realize the things that create stress in our life that we actually can either get rid of, reframe the way we think about it, And we set our nervous system. So the hidden stressors, the belief systems that create the habits, so the awareness piece.

So I do all those ABCs.  in my six week coaching program. Oh, that's amazing. So where can everyone find you? They can go to my website, www.  jenniferrentolo. com. You can follow me on Instagram at Jen Rentolo. Those are great ways, uh, to connect. And then I can gladly give you some links if people want to have a call, a connection call, just to kind of see where they are.

But you can find all of it on my website too, jenniferrentolo. com. Okay. And we'll include all of that in the show notes. Thank you so much for joining us today. Oh, my pleasure. I think that this was really, really great. It was helpful for me. So I'm  hoping that it's helpful for our other moms too.  It definitely will be.

Well, good. See, and I'm still living it. I'm still doing all this. So, it's always, it's just, it's, we just have to practice, practice. That's how we build these muscles. Practice. Exactly. Thank you.  

Thank you for tuning in to this episode of the It Could Be Your Eyes podcast. To schedule an appointment with Dr. Collier, visit us at 4DVisionGym. com. To train your vision at home, visit us at  4DVisionTherapyAtHome. com. Rate and review our podcast and email a screenshot to receive 10 percent off a new evaluation or any of our digital programs. Subscribe to join us for more eye opening episodes as we dive deep into all the ways that it could be your eyes.